How Classrooms Heal Broken Hearts

Last year at this time, my heart looked like an old carpet that a  sharp-clawed cat had scratched open.  Relationships can make you feel many different ways, and unfortunately, last spring I had the opportunity to experience the unfortunate side affects that it often bears.

As a human who loves fully (and a teacher who likes to make everything a lesson), it was a great learning season for me. I learned all about loneliness, loss, rejection, redemption and revision. I also learned that I'm going to have to continue loving in life, and this probably won't be the last time my heart would hurt.

Though I knew these things and I somewhat had "recovered", I still wasn't myself after an end to a serious and long relationship with I truly cherished. 
I lost a slice of my passion and at one point, I thought I lost the resiliency to continue to love after feeling numb.

Then, the school year started. 

If you know me personally, you know a huge chunk of my prayer life is basically begging God to guide all the children he will trust me to teach. I pray for kids I haven't met, asking God to guide their summers, their parents marriage, their safety, asking God to make sure they have food, people who love them, opportunities to grow, to bless their relationships ect. ect.  When I pray for someone deeply, I feel connected with them because I already love them.


So, when I met my students in the fall, after an entire spring and summer of caring about them through prayer, it was truly beautiful. I felt the love of Christ shining through them, and I felt my heart begin to mend. My class has been different every year, but because of the prayers I always feel a special bond. However, this year God truly allowed my students to bless me by making me feel extremely cared for and loved in small and big ways. Who would have known, besides Him, that I would need this care now more than ever?

Many close friends, family and co-workers didn't know how sad of a time I was going through. 
Who would have known (beside God) that though I was "okay", I would still need a group of students that would tell me "I believe in you, Ms. Schreiner", or " You're changing the world by just being you!" 
I'm not trying to sugar coat our days, because some days were horrible. Some days I went home crying because of sad situations, or because the kids argued, used unkind words, were disrespectful to me and treated each other so unkindly. But, those were important days. They were important, because they were RAW moments when the kids were absolutely and completely human - and I wasn't planning on giving up on them or stop loving them. The same with them and me, on my moody and unkind days.  I saw their imperfections, they saw mine- but we continued to mend things, learn about ourselves, care for each other and fight to make things work in our classroom.

My heart was mending.

This year, God showed me how a classroom can be a sacred space. Miracles happen, children grow and teachers are humbled. Though I had been praying for my children, God knew I needed to be praying for myself too. My heart is no longer a ripped up rug, but within a year has been smoothed down into a polished a resting place. I am so thankful for this year in the classroom, it has healed my heart and reminded me that I can still love.

Together, We Wept.

Traveling from America to our little village in Uganda takes nearly two days.

Between jet lag, being sweaty, un-showered and hungry, humility has most likely greeted our group of travelers by the afternoon of the first night.

Despite how we are ready to kiss the ground and finally be in the village, the two day trip is always  loved (by me at least- I know I have my quirks). However, I usually get antsy thinking about doing ONE thing upon getting to our village, besides hugging every child, and that is: sneaking into the chapel before dinner that night.

Regardless of what you believe, I promise you that your heart will be still in that chapel.

The actual structure of the chapel is really nothing fancy- just a small room made of brick.

You walk in, shoeless. The floor is covered in straw mats, you pick a spot wherever you can find one, and you sit silently. Everyone faces the front of the room, where on an altar sits a monstrance containing the Eucharist. People pray, journal, lie down, or just sit in silence. It's captivating and unlike anything you will ever experience.

This year, as soon as I arrived in the village and had a chance- I stepped into that chapel.

About three seconds after I sat down, I felt thick hot heavy liquid drops rolling down my cheeks.

I had been carrying a lot of grief on my heart, and I brought it all the way to Uganda to lay it at the feet of Jesus.  

It was a moment of true inner suffering and I was allowing myself to experience it, opposed to pretending it was not there.

Over my silent prayers, I heard a deep cry followed by moaning of a girl lying down right next to me. She was probably around sixteen. She looked deeply ill, and was obviously in a lot of pain. Hospitals in Uganda won't serve you, unless they know you can pay, so since most people cannot pay they do not even go. I had heard about family members bringing the dying into the chapel, but I had never seen it before. 

I reached out to hold her hand, and she stared at me as my salty tears rolled down my neck. I hated myself for allowing my own grief to continue while I watched her helplessly suffer far greater than me. Yet, I knew God brought us together through our grief. United in our suffering, we wept.

My new dear friend passed away the next morning in the chapel, while my sister Florence was with her. What my sister experienced was heart wrenching, but it was also the resurrection of the suffering.


While Jesus is the BEST person to suffer with, He did not intend for us to suffer alone. He wants us to hold each other in our suffering. He gave us two arms; one to hold our cross and one to help another hold his or hers.

This story I shared reminds me that regardless of which dot we are on the giant world map, we can be united in suffering. It sounds a bit morbid, I know. But, what I'm trying to say is that we are all enduring something difficult. We each have our crosses, our reasons we mourn, our burdens, our losses. It's so easy to push each other away in these instances (as I often do), but lately I'm trying to unite myself with those around me. I'm being honest, I'm being vulnerable, I'm seeking community. 

"The" Chapel

A blind-folded date with a King

Hi friends,

As I write to you, my fingers are a little bit confused that I'm typing on my BLOG! Yes it's been a while, hasn't it? I apologize, (to you, but mostly to myself) because I haven't made time for this necessary part of my heart; expression.

However,
It's been enough time,
and a season of Divine surprises is upon me. The Lord is funny with us like that.
Sometimes I am in these spiritual droughts where I am against endless of unanswered questions.
Other times I am in moments of peace where I feel like I'm surfing with God, quietly letting him show me how to smoothly and steadily stand against the continuous forces of waves.

Recently God has invited me into a season of surprise, and it has been such a reminder that Jesus is a friend.

It's as if last fall He has took me and gently blind-folded me. Gently grabbing my hand, He spoke in a sweet whisper saying,
"Let's go, I have something for you."

Why I said "Yes" and trusted, this green world will never know.  I'm so beyond thankful I did.
Though I've been pursuing God for eight years now (not always consistent), only three of those recent years could I say that I actively tried to trust Him. 
However, last fall I remember sitting in the chapel and make the decision to trust. I was tired of going in circles in my faith.
"God, let me go where you have designed me to go." Once I spoke that in my heart, the Lord ran with me. Though I was blindfolded, I never tripped, and He worked out every bump in the road for my good.

God gave me courage to choose Him in situations which were really tough. He not only brought me back to Africa, but invited and paid for my best friends to go along to witness AND we even celebrated CHRISTMAS there. How exciting is that?  During this season of Divine surprise, God introduced me to a dear friend on an airplane who would later become one of my biggest spiritual bucket-fillers. 
This realization of God's providence hit me like a frying pan to the head. I began trusting Him with random things; like where to search for a job. When I needed one I prayed, got in the car and ended up at Cracker Barrel where I was hired. The first day I started I met an amazing expecting couple who has become my family. From there I received so many donors for our Africa trips, have prayed for and been prayed for in the middle of the restaurant, and also have learned how to share God to strangers. Because our God loves surprises so much, He even arranged me to spend two weeks in Peru, where I was to serve with a community who has a mission for orphans. He gave me a week notice that I was going, and I left to Peru not knowing what the heck I was doing. The week I returned from Peru (full of joy & many lessons learned) I found out I had an interview for my dream job, and got it.

St. Augustine of Hippo once said, “To fall in love with God is the greatest romance; to seek him the greatest adventure; to find him, the greatest human achievement.”

As I hear those words, I want to shed tears and do a happy dance in my living room. How beautiful is it that we get the opportunity to have a daily adventure, romance, achievement?

When God asks us to go with Him, to trust Him, we should always say yes. I say this not because I always do, but because I when I say yes, the Lord fills my heart more than I knew it could be filled.

Maybe a year or two years ago, I would have thrown God's hand down when he sweetly whispered my name. I'm embarrassed to say that, but it's probably true. I still may do that. All I can ask is that God gives me enough strength to choose Him, to trust Him, and to love He who is Love.

Today, I am thankful for Jesus being a friend.
Today, I am thankful for His crazy, adventurous, humorous heart.
Today, I am thankful for my blind-folded dates with the King.

xo Angie

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Sharing at a Church in Uganda

Dancing with new friends in Uganda/ Conga line anyone?

Meeting my spiritual mentor on a full Southwest Flight

Cracker Barrel...Biscuits or Corn Bread?

Spending afternoons with Peruvian smiles

Why you shouldn't always trust your feelings...

So last night my girlfriends and I saw The Fault in Our Stars.  It was opening weekend, and theatre four was heavily packed with women of all ages (and a few brave boyfriends). I'm not going to spoil anything for prospective viewers, but I will say that it was quite the tear-provoking story.

It evoked many emotions and pulled some feelings out of me that I didn't realize I was even feeling until that moment . So, because I am always asking questions to myself and the Lord....I started to thinking about the way I felt in that moment, and the way I have felt in the past. My theatre four conclusion? As ladies, we often put a HUGE importance on the way we feel, and that might not always be the best thing. 

I am one of those people who is 100% feeling, and I often act on my feelings. After some prayer, and journaling...the Lord placed THIS on my heart:

Many times as women when we do not feel loved, we do not believe we are. (This is the ememy's favorite little trick to suck us into his lies)

That "feeling concept" goes for a lot of things, not just love.  Often:

When we do not feel excitement within our lives, we think we are boring. 

                                                                                                   .....................wrong

When we do not feel hungry, we think we are dying (haha)!

                                                                                          ......................surprisingly untrue

                                                                                                 

When we do not feel moved by something, we question its relevance to us. 

                                                                                      ...........................not always the case

When we do not feel God, we assume He is far away. 

                                                              ................This too my sister, is an absolute lie.

The truth is, we won't always feel God's presence. However, this lack of feeling does not mean He is absent. Our relationship with the Lord is not ALWAYS going to be this on-fire-raisin'-my-hands-overwhelming-joy feeling. Most of the time, it's not that at all. Even in the times of doubt, frustration, silence, confusion and devastation - He has called us to be still, and trust that He is God (Psalm 46:10)

Leading up to my trip in Africa, and even while I was there I felt spiritually dry and distant from the fire of Christ that had previously been stirring up in my heart. I went through moments of questions, and truly reflected on why I felt like my relationship with God resembled pulling a ten pound brick through the desert. I felt frustrated, but deep within myself I knew that even though I felt this way, God had not abandon me. 

Fast forward to the end of the trip....Look at all God did. The Uganda 2014 trip brought healing to so many, including myself. Look at what the Lord did with a doubting heart! And continues to do through many others. 

God has called us to be unwavering. 

Mother Theresa, who cured countless and loved unceasingly, suffered moments of deep depression and spurts of extreme loneliness. In fact, she mentioned in one of her biographies that she only clearly felt God's presence two times in her life. Yet, she remained obedient and God used her to change our world.

Hang in there to what you know,

God has promised that all things work together for good to those who love and serve Him faithfully (Romans 8:28) 

AND 

If you follow him, and place your joy in God, he will give YOU the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4)

So sisters, - be encouraged! Be excited! Be refreshed! God has called YOU to greatness.....will you be unwavering even when it gets rough? 

Know that I love you all, and that I am praying for you daily.

xo Angie

                                    

                                                                                    

A Reminder: My life is not a ballet performance

Lately, I've been feeling pressure for my life to be a beautiful performance.

I expect myself to be this graceful ballet dancer, who can (and must)! leap over every obstacle with a quiet landing and perfect form. 

Like an acrobat, I must be precise and impeccable. All the time. 

And, we both know that is not possible. 

Despite the fact that I have created such high expectations for myself, I've also committed myself in so many areas; I've expected myself to have consummate grades, a consistent and flawless exercise plan, to be the best daughter, an encouraging teacher, the most consistent friend, a healthy eater, a club leader, to do my best at (all four of) my jobs, and to finish every single day in an ecstatic mood with a clean room and a freshly made bed.

WHEW!

Just writing this down, I've realized that I've put my worth in all of these things. 

Yet my worth is truly embedded in NONE of these things.

Yes, being a good friend is important, but I will fail my friends.

Eating right and exercising is important, but my health will fail me.

Consistently having a clean room, and a smile, and perfect grades is commendable, but who is it for?

Ultimately I want to follow Christ, and put my worth in Him, but let's be honest...

I'm not always walking with Him. I'm walking my own path, and He's walking with me. He is waiting for me to lift up my head (that is shoved so deep in my planner with my own agendas) that I totally miss all that He's trying to share with me. He's trying to direct me, He knows how to get Home, but I'm not even listening to Him. 

And when I finally realize I haven't listened to Him in a while, I look up, and He is looking at me. 

Then, He gently takes my planner, and He closes it. In awe, I quietly watch Him as He speaks to me:

"Darling Daughter, I am here. Please, be with Me. I have planned to spend this day with you, and you haven't even spoken to Me. I am trying to tell you the adventure I have planned for you. But, if you want me to show you, you'll need to give me your agenda. Your plans are nothing compared to what I have planned for you."

And here I am,

Once again,

Giving myself, my worth, my plans, my life, back to my Maker.

I never know what I'll share when I start writing, but today He asked me to give this moment we shared.

xox

Angie

P.S-

Juliet's foot: A story from Africa

I'll never stop thinking about Juliet. 

I'll never stop praying for Juliet.

And, I'll never stop loving my dear sister, Juliet.

After a five hour drive from Kampala (capital of Uganda), Erica and I had just reached the little village of Nalweyo, our home for the next few weeks. The people of Nalweyo were so ecstatic to have us visiting, that they threw us a parade! As excitement, nervousness, and curiosity danced together inside of me, I peeked my head out of the car and I saw Juliet. She was the last person in line to greet us, but her bright smile could be picked out of thousands. As soon as I hopped out of the car, she seemed to have made her way to where I was, and immediately she grabbed my hand.

The welcome parade 

I noticed her beautiful skin, a smooth shade of dark licorice with a pink glow to her cheeks. Her hands were rough and leathery, and her eyes pierced mine - as if they wanted to tell a story. 

Then, I noticed her foot. 

Her right foot had turned a shade of pinkish white. It was bubbling, it was bloody, it was pussy, it was blistering and it was obviously very painful. 

"Oh, my word," I thought. In that moment I prayed that the Lord would begin to work miracles on her foot.

The next day, Erica and I asked other villagers about Juliet, and her foot. As my Renyolo (Nalweyo language) improved I was able to get to know her better, and ask her questions directly.

We quickly found out that Juliet (age 15) has Epilepsy, and had a seizure by the fire one night in November. As she was seizuring, her foot hit the fire and she was severely burned. She lost feeling in her foot, and didn't even have sandals to protect it from getting infected.  Since most people over there are not educated on Epilepsy, her parents and a lot of other people were probably pretty confused as to what was going on with her. From what some of the village girls told me, her parents dropped her off at the Church after her foot caught on fire and left her.

My heart ached and pained for what she must have been feeling, and I begged God to let me help her. 

As I was holding her hand that night, I heard a whisper on my heart. "Daughter, wash her feet."

"Okay, God. I can do that." I said to myself.

I looked at Juliet and tried my best to pronounce, "N'Kwenda Kusaba Amaguru" (I want to wash foot) and then pointed at her foot. She smiled and agreed. The next day Erica and I filled up our washing basin with water and a bar of ivory soap. (We didn't really have any supplies, but that wasn't stopping us.)With plastic bags as make-shift gloves, we washed her feet. Little kids gathered around to watch, and Juliet just stared and was quiet.

I know that my God is a God of strength, and action, and power, and compassion, and awe. And again, in that moment I asked Him to do something radical and begin healing in that foot. 

As days went by, we acquired actual supplies and began loving on her and treating her foot. We were gone during the days, but as soon as our beat up Suburban pulled in Nalweyo - she was there waiting by our house. There were nights when I'd be up worrying about her foot and pondering what I could do to make it better, and how I could fix it. Then God reminded me that He is God, and I am not. He doesn't need me, but He is using me. He could heal her, and only Him.

After Sunday Church

The days when her foot made no progress (and even looked worse), you could still see that smile and hear her sweet giggle. I remember on one of the days where her foot was looking pretty bad, she came hopping over to my house with a sugar cane to share with me. I didn't know how to eat it, so I bit the outside layer (completely wrong) and she laughed hysterically.  I promised myself I'd never complain over pain again, because she honestly never did.  

On our last day, right before we drove away I looked down at her foot. 

Erica and I both agreed in excitement, that her foot looked significantly better, and it was healing. 

Luke 18:1

Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up.

Praise God, to Him all the glory!

xox Angie

Juliet ready to get her foot washed and re-wrapped!
(With a smile, too!)

The first time Juliet got her feet washed

The whimsical you, that you are.

Last night, on New Years Eve, when the clock transformed the year into a blank slate I was wearing my favorite pajamas, tangled in my layers of bedding and completely asleep.
I could blame my exclusive night to a number of things; My jet lag from my recent Africa trip, the gnarly weather, no secured plans, or even just exhaustion from the month of December. I'm sure each of these reasons did add to my night in, but I truly believe the reason why I stayed home was because that was exactly where I knew I needed to be.

This may not seem like a big deal, but to me this is huge.

I spent most of 2013 (and the years before) stretching myself. Yes, a good stretch never hurt anyone right? Well, sometimes I would pretend I was Elastic-girl from the Incredibles (and her flexibility is not normal, guys). I almost always said yes, to everything, which in turn caused me to indirectly say no to the things that I really cared about.  I'm sure many can relate. You feel like you should do something with your free-time, be somewhere on the weekends, with a friend that needs you, or a group that is expecting you to participate...but in the back of your mind you are missing out on what you know you desperately need;
- A rest, a good book, that run you've been thinking about all week, a date with Jesus in the Adoration Chapel (don't we always?), time to dance or rock climb, a thrilling adventure, a bath, time to journal,  time to pray and listen to God.

Not only am I missing out on things I need, but I often feel as though by conforming to these plans I am missing out on the person God created me to be. I'm missing that smile that He loves, I'm missing that drive and that passion that He created at the core of my being, and I missing out on the whimsy-love feeling that I get by doing the things I enjoy doing.

In my recent mission trip to Africa, I fell in love with the way people love.
They are full of life, and are completely themselves. Kids run around in rags, teenagers with acne and no makeup, women with crying babies on their backs and calloused feet. These people are incredibly happy. These people come as who they are. None of them are the same in any way, yet they all have this beauty about them which is obviously given to them by Christ. And, they live it.

I'm not saying to down every invitation you receive, and simply just do what "you want to do", that's not it.  I just know that too often I say yes to living a life of obligations and living up to expectations, simply because I'm not sure what will happen if I don't. I guess I sometimes think that if I let people down, or if I'm not running around like a crazy person - God can't use me.
Yet, God is using us in every situation....and in fact by pursuing the desires He has given us, God delights.

These little people on a tiny dot in East Africa taught me to come as I am,
and to live out those whimsy desires that God placed within me.

Last night, it was a night in....but today I'm going on an adventure.
xox Angie

Gloria (6) loved laughing, dancing and tickling her brother

Massai (7) loved giving her things to others, and inventing new toys (aka rocks/old plastic) 

Anita (5) loved to love others, and to help out everyone with what they were doing

Olivia (20) loves fashion, and loves art. She also loves to hug! xo