Last year at this time, my heart looked like an old carpet that a sharp-clawed cat had scratched open. Relationships can make you feel many different ways, and unfortunately, last spring I had the opportunity to experience the unfortunate side affects that it often bears.
As a human who loves fully (and a teacher who likes to make everything a lesson), it was a great learning season for me. I learned all about loneliness, loss, rejection, redemption and revision. I also learned that I'm going to have to continue loving in life, and this probably won't be the last time my heart would hurt.
Though I knew these things and I somewhat had "recovered", I still wasn't myself after an end to a serious and long relationship with I truly cherished.
I lost a slice of my passion and at one point, I thought I lost the resiliency to continue to love after feeling numb.
Then, the school year started.
If you know me personally, you know a huge chunk of my prayer life is basically begging God to guide all the children he will trust me to teach. I pray for kids I haven't met, asking God to guide their summers, their parents marriage, their safety, asking God to make sure they have food, people who love them, opportunities to grow, to bless their relationships ect. ect. When I pray for someone deeply, I feel connected with them because I already love them.
So, when I met my students in the fall, after an entire spring and summer of caring about them through prayer, it was truly beautiful. I felt the love of Christ shining through them, and I felt my heart begin to mend. My class has been different every year, but because of the prayers I always feel a special bond. However, this year God truly allowed my students to bless me by making me feel extremely cared for and loved in small and big ways. Who would have known, besides Him, that I would need this care now more than ever?
Many close friends, family and co-workers didn't know how sad of a time I was going through.
Who would have known (beside God) that though I was "okay", I would still need a group of students that would tell me "I believe in you, Ms. Schreiner", or " You're changing the world by just being you!"
I'm not trying to sugar coat our days, because some days were horrible. Some days I went home crying because of sad situations, or because the kids argued, used unkind words, were disrespectful to me and treated each other so unkindly. But, those were important days. They were important, because they were RAW moments when the kids were absolutely and completely human - and I wasn't planning on giving up on them or stop loving them. The same with them and me, on my moody and unkind days. I saw their imperfections, they saw mine- but we continued to mend things, learn about ourselves, care for each other and fight to make things work in our classroom.
My heart was mending.
This year, God showed me how a classroom can be a sacred space. Miracles happen, children grow and teachers are humbled. Though I had been praying for my children, God knew I needed to be praying for myself too. My heart is no longer a ripped up rug, but within a year has been smoothed down into a polished a resting place. I am so thankful for this year in the classroom, it has healed my heart and reminded me that I can still love.
No comments:
Post a Comment