A Reminder: My life is not a ballet performance

Lately, I've been feeling pressure for my life to be a beautiful performance.

I expect myself to be this graceful ballet dancer, who can (and must)! leap over every obstacle with a quiet landing and perfect form. 

Like an acrobat, I must be precise and impeccable. All the time. 

And, we both know that is not possible. 

Despite the fact that I have created such high expectations for myself, I've also committed myself in so many areas; I've expected myself to have consummate grades, a consistent and flawless exercise plan, to be the best daughter, an encouraging teacher, the most consistent friend, a healthy eater, a club leader, to do my best at (all four of) my jobs, and to finish every single day in an ecstatic mood with a clean room and a freshly made bed.

WHEW!

Just writing this down, I've realized that I've put my worth in all of these things. 

Yet my worth is truly embedded in NONE of these things.

Yes, being a good friend is important, but I will fail my friends.

Eating right and exercising is important, but my health will fail me.

Consistently having a clean room, and a smile, and perfect grades is commendable, but who is it for?

Ultimately I want to follow Christ, and put my worth in Him, but let's be honest...

I'm not always walking with Him. I'm walking my own path, and He's walking with me. He is waiting for me to lift up my head (that is shoved so deep in my planner with my own agendas) that I totally miss all that He's trying to share with me. He's trying to direct me, He knows how to get Home, but I'm not even listening to Him. 

And when I finally realize I haven't listened to Him in a while, I look up, and He is looking at me. 

Then, He gently takes my planner, and He closes it. In awe, I quietly watch Him as He speaks to me:

"Darling Daughter, I am here. Please, be with Me. I have planned to spend this day with you, and you haven't even spoken to Me. I am trying to tell you the adventure I have planned for you. But, if you want me to show you, you'll need to give me your agenda. Your plans are nothing compared to what I have planned for you."

And here I am,

Once again,

Giving myself, my worth, my plans, my life, back to my Maker.

I never know what I'll share when I start writing, but today He asked me to give this moment we shared.

xox

Angie

P.S-

Juliet's foot: A story from Africa

I'll never stop thinking about Juliet. 

I'll never stop praying for Juliet.

And, I'll never stop loving my dear sister, Juliet.

After a five hour drive from Kampala (capital of Uganda), Erica and I had just reached the little village of Nalweyo, our home for the next few weeks. The people of Nalweyo were so ecstatic to have us visiting, that they threw us a parade! As excitement, nervousness, and curiosity danced together inside of me, I peeked my head out of the car and I saw Juliet. She was the last person in line to greet us, but her bright smile could be picked out of thousands. As soon as I hopped out of the car, she seemed to have made her way to where I was, and immediately she grabbed my hand.

The welcome parade 

I noticed her beautiful skin, a smooth shade of dark licorice with a pink glow to her cheeks. Her hands were rough and leathery, and her eyes pierced mine - as if they wanted to tell a story. 

Then, I noticed her foot. 

Her right foot had turned a shade of pinkish white. It was bubbling, it was bloody, it was pussy, it was blistering and it was obviously very painful. 

"Oh, my word," I thought. In that moment I prayed that the Lord would begin to work miracles on her foot.

The next day, Erica and I asked other villagers about Juliet, and her foot. As my Renyolo (Nalweyo language) improved I was able to get to know her better, and ask her questions directly.

We quickly found out that Juliet (age 15) has Epilepsy, and had a seizure by the fire one night in November. As she was seizuring, her foot hit the fire and she was severely burned. She lost feeling in her foot, and didn't even have sandals to protect it from getting infected.  Since most people over there are not educated on Epilepsy, her parents and a lot of other people were probably pretty confused as to what was going on with her. From what some of the village girls told me, her parents dropped her off at the Church after her foot caught on fire and left her.

My heart ached and pained for what she must have been feeling, and I begged God to let me help her. 

As I was holding her hand that night, I heard a whisper on my heart. "Daughter, wash her feet."

"Okay, God. I can do that." I said to myself.

I looked at Juliet and tried my best to pronounce, "N'Kwenda Kusaba Amaguru" (I want to wash foot) and then pointed at her foot. She smiled and agreed. The next day Erica and I filled up our washing basin with water and a bar of ivory soap. (We didn't really have any supplies, but that wasn't stopping us.)With plastic bags as make-shift gloves, we washed her feet. Little kids gathered around to watch, and Juliet just stared and was quiet.

I know that my God is a God of strength, and action, and power, and compassion, and awe. And again, in that moment I asked Him to do something radical and begin healing in that foot. 

As days went by, we acquired actual supplies and began loving on her and treating her foot. We were gone during the days, but as soon as our beat up Suburban pulled in Nalweyo - she was there waiting by our house. There were nights when I'd be up worrying about her foot and pondering what I could do to make it better, and how I could fix it. Then God reminded me that He is God, and I am not. He doesn't need me, but He is using me. He could heal her, and only Him.

After Sunday Church

The days when her foot made no progress (and even looked worse), you could still see that smile and hear her sweet giggle. I remember on one of the days where her foot was looking pretty bad, she came hopping over to my house with a sugar cane to share with me. I didn't know how to eat it, so I bit the outside layer (completely wrong) and she laughed hysterically.  I promised myself I'd never complain over pain again, because she honestly never did.  

On our last day, right before we drove away I looked down at her foot. 

Erica and I both agreed in excitement, that her foot looked significantly better, and it was healing. 

Luke 18:1

Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up.

Praise God, to Him all the glory!

xox Angie

Juliet ready to get her foot washed and re-wrapped!
(With a smile, too!)

The first time Juliet got her feet washed

The whimsical you, that you are.

Last night, on New Years Eve, when the clock transformed the year into a blank slate I was wearing my favorite pajamas, tangled in my layers of bedding and completely asleep.
I could blame my exclusive night to a number of things; My jet lag from my recent Africa trip, the gnarly weather, no secured plans, or even just exhaustion from the month of December. I'm sure each of these reasons did add to my night in, but I truly believe the reason why I stayed home was because that was exactly where I knew I needed to be.

This may not seem like a big deal, but to me this is huge.

I spent most of 2013 (and the years before) stretching myself. Yes, a good stretch never hurt anyone right? Well, sometimes I would pretend I was Elastic-girl from the Incredibles (and her flexibility is not normal, guys). I almost always said yes, to everything, which in turn caused me to indirectly say no to the things that I really cared about.  I'm sure many can relate. You feel like you should do something with your free-time, be somewhere on the weekends, with a friend that needs you, or a group that is expecting you to participate...but in the back of your mind you are missing out on what you know you desperately need;
- A rest, a good book, that run you've been thinking about all week, a date with Jesus in the Adoration Chapel (don't we always?), time to dance or rock climb, a thrilling adventure, a bath, time to journal,  time to pray and listen to God.

Not only am I missing out on things I need, but I often feel as though by conforming to these plans I am missing out on the person God created me to be. I'm missing that smile that He loves, I'm missing that drive and that passion that He created at the core of my being, and I missing out on the whimsy-love feeling that I get by doing the things I enjoy doing.

In my recent mission trip to Africa, I fell in love with the way people love.
They are full of life, and are completely themselves. Kids run around in rags, teenagers with acne and no makeup, women with crying babies on their backs and calloused feet. These people are incredibly happy. These people come as who they are. None of them are the same in any way, yet they all have this beauty about them which is obviously given to them by Christ. And, they live it.

I'm not saying to down every invitation you receive, and simply just do what "you want to do", that's not it.  I just know that too often I say yes to living a life of obligations and living up to expectations, simply because I'm not sure what will happen if I don't. I guess I sometimes think that if I let people down, or if I'm not running around like a crazy person - God can't use me.
Yet, God is using us in every situation....and in fact by pursuing the desires He has given us, God delights.

These little people on a tiny dot in East Africa taught me to come as I am,
and to live out those whimsy desires that God placed within me.

Last night, it was a night in....but today I'm going on an adventure.
xox Angie

Gloria (6) loved laughing, dancing and tickling her brother

Massai (7) loved giving her things to others, and inventing new toys (aka rocks/old plastic) 

Anita (5) loved to love others, and to help out everyone with what they were doing

Olivia (20) loves fashion, and loves art. She also loves to hug! xo

Weekend at Camp Cherry Lake - Be still and know that I am God

For those of you who know me, you can agree that I’m always on the go. I lay out my clothes the night before to save time, I eat lunch while I’m running to pick up the kids I nanny for, and I am always pulling something new on my plate. At times it can be extremely tiring, and I constantly feel the Lord tugging on my heart to slow down.

Afternoon quiet time

This past weekend, I left my bubble of copious movement, and snuck away for the weekend to spend quality time with the Lord at Camp Cherry Lake, with 200 other college students.  The Catholic College group for FSU teams up with Flagler College and we take over about a dozen primitive cabins, and a beautiful lake for the weekend. Usually when I go on a weekend retreat, I pack for 23 people and their grandmothers. Seriously, I’m an over packer. This weekend, I knew I needed no distractions. Therefore, I packed light. No phone. No watch. No Make-up. No hair dryer. I was going to make sure that I was giving the Lord my full attention this weekend.

Katie and I after our Women's Session

“Be still and know that I am God.” - Psalm 46

This weekend, the Lord so very clearly whispered this bible verse on my heart.

I spent a lot of time this weekend resting in God. Sometimes I feel as though I need to talk to God constantly, but just being quiet and resting in Him is even more powerful. 

 I quietly said this prayer,  “Lord, I love you. Lord, I trust you. Lord, I need you,”  and then was quiet. God gave me so much peace, and He knew that in that moment that was exactly what I needed. 

One of my favorite parts about this specific retreat is Perpetual Adoration. Perpetual, meaning occurring for a long period of time, and Adoration means the act of adoring and worshiping. From 10pm-7am, the meeting hall served as a chapel and was candle lit. As Catholics, we believe that Jesus is present through the Eucharist. During Perpetual Adoration, the Eucharist is displayed and it is a time to pray, reflect, read your bible, or just rest with God. It is literally such a powerful experience! Friday night/Saturday morning, I randomly woke up at four am and made my way to the chapel, in my pj's. Even at four am, the chapel was filled with people worshiping the Lord. 

Things I did this weekend:

- Journaled Journaled Journaled

- Jumped off the diving board and into the lake, and found a baby turtle swimming beside me!

- Spent some quality time with the Lord through silence

- Prayed for my future husband and his faith journey

- Met a nun who was a former professional football player

- Built some incredible new friendships


xox
Angie

    

   

Morning prayer on the dock

Love, your Father

Dear Daughter,

You do not need a special reason to meet with Me.  Why must you always wait? I am always thinking of you, and I want you to draw near to Me. I am here waiting for you. Picture yourself as woman engaged to the love of her life. Together, you are preparing for eternity with one another, and your relationship should be stronger than ever. In your mind, you’ve repeatedly practiced your walk down the isle, and you’ve put such an emphasis on this day when you and your beloved are to be united. 

My darling that is how I want you to be as you anticipate meeting Me.

Your life on earth is like an engagement with Me, before we are united in Heaven. I am trying to pursue you, I am trying to spend time with you, and I am trying to show you the love I have for you. You must take this relationship seriously. I am not hiding Myself from you. I have made my heart available to You. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:13) I want you to delight in Me. I want to have moments with you when you are not at your wits end, and I want to be the One you run to, not only when you need something. 

I know what you are thinking, my love. You don’t have time. I couldn’t possibly help you with what you’re going through. You will spend time with me, after you figure things out. Beloved. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. (Mathew 11:28) I am here with you, I am for you, and I am fighting for your heart. I adore you. When you awake in the morning, whisper My name. Draw Me close to you before the world can weigh you down. Then, throughout the day come to Me. In the small moments; in the grocery lines. On the way to work. In the chaos. In the monumental moments. Remember Me, daughter. I passionately created you; I know your detailed face and your precious heart.

Draw near to Me, and I will draw near to you. (James 4:8)

With love,

Your Father Jesus Christ 

Arise, my darling...

It was about ten past two and I was sitting in my kitchen hunched over my computer lifelessly as I sent out emails, filled out paperwork and payed bills. Routines. I was consumed.
Then a quiet voice stirred in my heart;
Come
I heard it at once. But, I had too many things to do. Before I could devote my attention back to my work, trying to pretend I didn't hear the faint voice grip my heart,
Arise, my darling
Come away with me

Normally, when the Lord tugs on our hearts to spend time with Him alone - excuses become quite easy to make up.
I would know, I'm always doing it.
I promise Lord, I will make time for you. After I eat. After I check Facebook. After the week is through.
After everything else, my King.  Its crazy what rationalizations the mind can come up with.

But much to my surprise, this time when He called... I went.

I stood up from my chair, and shuffled over to grab my shoes. Should I get ready? Fix my hair? Change my clothes? Will people see me?
Arise my beautiful one, come away 

So, I stayed how I was and grabbed my keys and left.
I was quiet, and for the first time all day I truly let the Lord into my heart. I started speaking to God, but then I stopped. And, I let Him speak to me. My heart was flooded with peace. All else was distant.
The wind swept across the back of my neck,
I am with you
The waves crashed against the sandy shore
I am for you

Sometimes, I'm so distracted with my own wants and my own plans that I forget the Lord is standing right outside my door waiting to show me the way. When things don't go my way I assume that God is long gone, when really He couldn't be any closer. I am the one unwilling to open the door.
As much as Christ wants to pursue us, He also wants us to pursue Him.


My beloved spoke and said to me, "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come away with me." 
(Song of Solomon 2:10)

 xox Angie

Change: Renovation of my heart

I've always liked the change I could create, but despised the change that controlled me.

This summer, the latter change and I have become quite close.

Much closer than I could have ever imagined, actually.

I like consistency. I like knowing. I like being safe. I like being in control.

That's humans, I suppose. However, sometimes I get SO comfortable thinking I'm in control, it comes as a shock to me when I realize I'm not. 

Someone once told my mother that, change = improvement.  While I have some small disagreements with that, for the most part I find it to be true. Maybe the situation which I am moving into isn't an upgrade, but I am improving as a person because of the experience change gives me.  Change allows me to relate with others, and pulls down the barriers of comfort I have created around my self.

Imagine a group of miniature construction builders standing in the vessels of your heart; they are on the job of renovating your heart. They are pulling down sections you've been living in, and hammering in new sturdy steps and creating new fresh hallways. 

Of course, during the renovation - your heart is not on some type of holiday! The hammers hurt and pulling down the old walls creates a bit of a mess.  Even looking at the "construction zone"can be flustering, and is sure to give you some type of doubts.

But, once the renovation is done, once the change is done; everything is higher quality, stronger.

During my summer of frequent transitions, I'm constantly led back to God's word in Jerimiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

There is so much beauty in that.

Through change my heart slightly breaks, so eventually it may love deeper.  

xo Angie